Chewy Ninja Monkey Bars - Now featuring the hands-on touch of hired goons.

Locations

Bob’s TV and Bridge Repair Service: The headquarters of Bob’s chain of TV and bridge repair service shops. This was Mike’s place of employment before he was fired. Located on the outskirts of Stumpville. In a vain attempt to make all his employees feel more equal and to look upon him with more respect, Bob opted to have the headquarters of his company look just like all the other locations. It didn’t work.

(Bob’s TV and Bridge Repair Service is based on an actual location in an old shareware game called God of Thunder, a humorous Zelda-like overhead action RPG. There was a part in the game where you had to get a bridge fixed in order to get to a certain area. Luckily, a nearby town had a TV and bridge repair shop—“if we can’t fix it, it ain’t broke!”)

Wasted Space Filler, Incorporated: Stop wasting all of your precious space! Wasted Space Filler, Inc. has just what you need to plug those empty areas with quality scenery, furniture, an entire building, or whatever it is you want to spruce up those empty rooms and unsightly blank backgrounds. Don’t put up with those pretentious snobs who complain about your negative space. Tell them to stuff it!—with quality filler from Wasted Space Filler, Incorporated! Located right next to Bob’s TV and Bridge Repair Service.

Annoying Neon Sign Construction Company: Want one of those big, bright, buzzing, bothersome neon signs for business or pleasure? The good folks at Annoying Neon Sign Construction Company are here to help you, with 26 locations in the tri-city area alone. No business is complete without emitting a striking neon glow and ambient pollution into the night sky. Concerned about causing traffic accidents or damaging vision? No problem! ANSC’s unique “small print” option embeds legal disclaimers right into your sign, preventing any legal repercussions taken against your sign’s harmful effects! If ANSC’s signs don’t attract more business, they’ll increase the brightness of your sign free of charge… how can you go wrong with Annoying Neon Sign Construction Company? Located right next to Bob’s TV and Bridge Repair Service.

Stumpville House of the Unemployed: This impressive establishment was constructed to deal with Stumpville’s massive unemployment problem 30 years ago. The House of the Unemployed functions as an unemployment office, homeless shelter, tavern, coffee shop, publisher, hobo camp, and recording studio. It has been named the nation’s number one unemployment center for six consecutive years, though many believe the large and annoying neon sign atop the building drives away potential unemployed visitors.

Earl’s Diner: As the slogan says, “For hero soliloquies and origin stories,” Earl’s is the place for Stumpville’s interesting people, storied characters, superheroes, and other curious individuals to gather, dine, and swap stories. Earl’s is famous for its chicken strips, scalloped potatoes, and the 1998 Hero’s Convention (HeroCon), which featured Q&A sessions with the nation’s greatest heroes, merchandise booths, and a showcase of the finest local and indie superheroes. Earl’s is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and serves breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Carry-out is available. Located in downtown Stumpville, two convenient blocks from City Hall.

Ninja Factory Outlet Store: Stumpville once suffered from an immense ninja population, resulting in this rare establishment. While the number of ninjas in the Stumpville area has been on the rise again as of late thanks to the strike, the Ninja Factory Outlet Store had virtually no business for years, but somehow still manages to survive, perhaps by means or forces we cannot understand. This particular branch sells all varieties of ninja equipment to registered ninjas, as well as ninja-based merchandise, martial arts films (for education and entertainment), and a variety of comics, games, and toys. Located on the west end of the Waterfront district.

Sass ‘N Gas: An odd chain of service stations typically found in rural areas, Sass ‘N Gas is a place most people don’t really feel comfortable stopping at and usually only do it because they have no other choice. Sass ‘N Gas stations are well known for their particularly rude and back-talking employees who seem to always serve customers willingly, but never without disdain and contempt. Since nobody likes to be sassed, Sass ‘N Gas locations seem to only be found in the most remote of areas, where customers have no choice but to stop or run out of gas. It is rumored that many of the sassy employees of these stations aren’t actually sassy, but Sass ‘N Gas policy deems they must uphold the sassy traditions of the company, the origins of which are sketchy, at best.

Interesting Objects of Varying Plot Significance

Expendable Enterprises® Goon-O-Matic™ Hired Goon Dispenser: This ingenious contraption is actually a teleportation device linked to the Hired Goon Association Fortress Headquarters in Los Angeles. This machine hires out goons at a rate of 25 cents per five minutes of employment. Larger amounts of money increase the amount of time the goon works for the client. The machine accepts quarters, one-dollar bills, and five-dollar bills. The goon you receive is totally random, but will comply with your every wish for the allotted time, so long as it pertains to goonish behavior such as fighting, bodyguarding, carrying stuff, burying stuff, etc. A complete listing of goonish behavior can be found in the HGA terms of service. Hired Goon Dispensers can be found alongside other vending machines, ATM machines, and at other convenient locations.

MegaClub 5000: Standard goon weaponry. Features long, retractable steel spikes on the end, as well as a rubber grip. Club comes in wood, lead, and steel varieties. Traditionally, the MegaClub 5000 is extremely large and heavy, and is normally only used by the biggest and strongest of goons.

Beginner’s Guide to Ninjutsu: This helpful pamphlet tells you everything that you need to do in order to become a ninja, as well as outlining the fringe benefits and special abilities you will obtain as a ninja. It is a simply a matter of mastering the many techniques in this pamphlet, as well as going to ninja school for a couple of years and paying a $50 registration fee to the Ninja Union. Copyright 1988. Available at most Ninja Factory Outlet Store locations, unemployment offices, and the Totally Ninja! catalog. Serious inquiries only.

Slurpifier™ and Super Slurp: Super Slurps are a popular, ultra-sugary, fruit-flavored, frozen soft drink found in many service stations, movie theaters, and amusement parks, and are usually highly overpriced, but purchased anyway because drinking them makes you look totally cool. Available in 20 oz, 32 oz, and 44 oz sizes and orange, raspberry, lime, and grape flavors.

The Slurpifier Super Slurp Dispenser is large, colorful, and draws much attention to itself. They are prone to frequent malfunctions. Dispenses cups, straws, lids, and drink flavors.

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