Chewy Ninja Monkey Bars - Now featuring the hands-on touch of hired goons.

The Good Guys

Mike: A former employee of Bob’s TV and Bridge Repair Service, Mike was not a good TV repairman, nor was he a good bridge repairman. Bob became so fed up with Mike’s incompetence that he insulted him, fired him, and had his hired goons throw him out on the street. Don’t bother asking how he even got the job in the first place.

Young, naive, lonely, and lacking aspiration, Mike is very much searching for his place in the world. Fate, unemployment, and his impulsive and often ill-advised behavior have since involved him in a comic strip adventure, which is never good for anyone. Nevertheless, his spirits remain high--he could be working for Bob, after all.

Stu the Ninja: Stu is a card-carrying member of the Ninja Union, currently on strike due to a salary disagreement between the ninjas and senseis. As such, Stu has traveled the world doing odd-jobs, mostly earning a living as a freelance bodyguard, mercenary, and occasionally as a vigilante lawyer, one of the sacred arts of the Ninja.

Stu is highly skilled in all the Ninja arts, including turning invisible, breathing underwater, and being able to eat and drink without taking his mask off. However, Stu refuses to follow the Ninja tradition of seppuku. Whether this is based on a personal preference or the fact that he is prone to failure is debatable. The perpetual strike has left Stu looking for purpose, resulting in an often overzealous search for action and adventure. Honorable to a fault--lacks the ruthlessness and killer instinct of a typical ninja, but is still extremely dangerous. Maintains a love-hate relationship with his arch-rival, Evil Bad Guy Ninja.

Renee Welbourne: Mysterious female character who allegedly drives a truck around the desert, delivering office supplies to desert labs and research facilities. Sassy and defensive, her solitary line of work leads her to pursue (and pick on) new friends. Appears to have an affinity for maintaining high scores on all the old arcade machines found in truckstops on her route.

The Villains

Mayor Robert Pratt: Pratt is currently the mayor of San Francisco. Extremely arrogant, violent, and without respect for his constituents, people have been wondering for years how Pratt manages to stay in office. He can do pretty much whatever he wants without consequence in San Francisco, including blasting the constituency (both literally and figuratively) and engaging in wanton political corruption. Has the necessary suave and smugness of any good politician, but usually forgoes these qualities and just uses his incredible abuse of power to bring the city to its knees. Why won't anyone stop him?

Bob: Mike’s old boss. Bob owns and runs a chain of TV and bridge repair shops covering most of the west and Midwest. Fat, greedy, and especially greasy, Bob is extremely bitter, cruel, and very paranoid of his employee’s actions. The pay is terrible, and there are no Christmas bonuses.

Jackson: Jackson is one of three bounty hunters sent out to eliminate Stu the Ninja. Fairly incompetent in ability, Jackson uses the persona of popular slasher Jason Vorhees to intimidate his prey more than anything. Dim-witted and desperate for a kill, Jackson has since abandoned his menacing, silent-but-deadly routine, and is now more likely to ask around for information, and has come to be quite charming in many of his endeavors. He usually wields an ax or machete, but they have become rather dull from lack of maintenance and from all the times Jackson hits random objects with them, fantasizing about a real kill.

Evil Bad Guy Ninja: Evil Bad Guy Ninja is one of three bounty hunters sent out to eliminate Stu the Ninja. Beyond that which is explained in this paragraph, little is known of this mysterious and dangerous individual. He bears the title of Great White Ninja (not to be confused with this ninja or this ninja) and before the ninja strike, was widely considered the world’s finest assassin. He is also Stu’s old training partner and rival. An extremely cunning and vicious warrior, Evil Bad Guy Ninja’s accomplishments have earned him an infamous and notorious reputation worldwide. Few have escaped him, and those who have usually end up in a mental hospital or cardboard box on the street—if Evil Bad Guy Ninja cannot eliminate his target, he eliminates everything else important to them. His true purpose in life, however, is to settle an old score…with Stu!

Irrational Robot Antagonist (IRA): IRA is one of three bounty hunters sent out to eliminate Stu the Ninja. The origin of IRA is classified information. However, it is known that IRA is programmed to be a killing machine, but its killing is done by extremely irrational and indirect means. While IRA more than has the ability to simply and straightforwardly eliminate a target with its weaponry (which it is known to do when threatened), its programming dictates it take a more elaborate, unnecessary, and irrational approach to tracking, stalking, and eventually destroying its prey in fantastic and often explosive fashion.

Other Faces Along the Way

The Mean Unemployment Lady: Handing out job opportunities and unemployment benefits for 30 years at the Stumpville House of the Unemployed can do terrible things to a person. Case in point, the Mean Unemployment Lady. Get in, get help, get out, and you won’t displease her. She doesn’t hesitate to call House security when a troublemaker starts asking questions or expects a lot from her. Middle-aged, menopausal, multi-chinned, she refuses to leave the job she hates and, to be perfectly honest, just doesn’t have much going for her these days at all. Mike failed to realize that she was not a person to question, and had the establishment’s hired goon sicked on him and the intervening Stu the Ninja.

That Bitter Ninja: Over the years, this struggling ninja (also on strike, like all ninjas) has lost his purpose in life, unsure of how to move on to a new career, growing more and more bitter as he slowly begins to realize that the strike will probably never be resolved. Unlike Stu, he has not been able to adapt his ninja skills to other jobs and situations. He has held a few jobs since the strike, most recently settling in nicely with a local insurance company. However, he cannot let go of the fact that he is a ninja and lusts for even the slightest hope that he may once again have an opportunity to perform the job he loves so much. He frequents the Ninja Factory Outlet Store, reliving the glory days of when it was of some use to him. Extremely annoyed when he is mistaken for other ninjas.

Johnny Thunder: Not to be confused with the DC Comics superhero of the same name, Johnny Thunder is just one of Stumpville’s many barflies. Horribly ignorant, confused, and usually intoxicated, Johnny Thunder is out for brews, women, and blood, in that particular order. When there aren’t any women, Johnny gets his kicks picking fights with the weak. Johnny is that guy at the bar nobody likes, except for those other guys he always drinks with and tries to impress to no end. He’s also one of those guys that tries too hard to impress the ladies, so he only scores when he’s drunk and so is she. He fears weirdos that wander into his bars.

Hired Goons: These thugs are everywhere these days. They have become quite popular and rather affordable, as well. Expendable Enterprises® has even developed the popular Goon-O-Matic™ Hired Goon Dispenser, which hires out thugs at the low price of 25 cents per five minutes. These machines are conveniently located at most local shopping malls, sports arenas, rest areas, and other common vending machine locations. Goons can also be hired on a more long-term basis as personal bodyguards, bouncers, security guards, etc. from Expendable Enterprises through a special mail-order service.

Hired Goons are all members of the Hired Goon Association. While this means they are all bound by the terms of service involved with the HGA, they must carry out their employer’s orders. Even if this means they must fight other hired goons, they will do so willingly. Hired Goons, however, remain close friends with each other, despite the fact that they sometimes must beat each other senseless. Most are merciless killing machines, while other, more intelligent goons tend to use their charisma or bargaining abilities to fulfill the orders of their employers. Almost all goons are skilled to some degree in hand-to-hand combat. Most prefer clubbing weapons or firearms, while many specialty goons use swords, nunchaku, grenades, or other weapons. Typically, if you get a goon that doesn’t use a club or a gun, it is considered a rarity and a special treat.

Each Goon-O-Matic™ Hired Goon Dispenser is actually a teleportation device which is linked back to a teleportation pod at the HGA Fortress Headquarters in Los Angeles. During working hours, hired goons have access to nearly limitless forms of recreation at HGA Headquarters until they are called into duty. Basically, they goof off and entertain themselves until they are needed.

Truckers: For reasons yet to be revealed, but dealing in some way with the ninja strike, truckers and ninjas do NOT get along. Feeling wronged by the actions of the ninjas, truckers typically just try to avoid socialization with ninjas. However, they will not hesitate to inflict some serious pain when provoked, and especially if a ninja asks them for assistance.

Author: Confused, disembodied entity who screws things up every now and then, occasionally interjecting himself into a story to make self-deprecating comments on flaws in the story or artwork. On a related note, characters in the story are occasionally known to exploit the failures of the author to their advantage.

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